Pygmalion

These past two months have been exhausting. I am done writing a paper on G.B. Shaw's "Life Force", but I can't stop thinking about that theory. I always believed that I should start with myself when it comes to making the world a better place, but now, it seems like I don't even know who I am. My individuality has been shaken. It has eroded gradually these past two months or so.

Our professor sang these lines from a Michael Jackson song a couple of mornings ago:

I'm starting with the man in the mirror

I'm asking him to change his ways

And no message could have been any clearer

If you want to make the world a better place

For the rest of the day, these words ring in my ear. I have thought over and over again, how can I start with myself when I don't know who I am any more? Is what I'm going through an identity crisis? Or is it mere confusion?

I keep looking at myself. I'm still me, but I'm a shaken version of me. My personality is the same. I think. But my beliefs and morals are all chaotic and contradictory. I'm angry at the world. Really. I'm angry at the life that I once loved so dearly. I'm angry at the loved ones that didn't raise me to be strong enough to handle what is being thrown my way. I'm angry at them for letting me venture out into the world a tabula rasa.

Yes, I'm angry at you. I can't even look you in the eye for the fear of being disappointed in your ways. All of you. If you wanted me to become something so bad, why didn't you raise me so that I become it instead of set me free to believe and become what I want to? And after doing that, why are you disappointed with who I've become? You're nonsensical, and it hurts.

I won't apologize for being myself around you. I'm not going to try and fix what has already broken because it can't be repaired. I'm going to make sure I develop myself and set everything straight to be happy like I always have been.

You can stop envisioning my life. I already have it planned. I might not turn into the lady you've always wanted me to be. I might not be able to act like I've spent my life in charm school. I might not marry the "perfect" guy you're looking for. I might not end up anything like you. But will that disappoint you? Will it hurt that I haven't taken your "ideal" version of my life into consideration? It shouldn't. I hope you guys realize that some time soon. Because even if I wanted to, I can't find it in myself to disobey you.

Oh, and since I know that by now, you've all realized who you are, I want you to back off until my life is back on track. And I love you. I don't care how far-fetched it seems right now. I really do love you.