Outside

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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She used to see through her feelings, but now, they simply blind her. It is too much to handle. It is sad how the world has turned into something pathetic in a moment. She has been asked a question, and her reply made her realize that she really has a lot more to understand. There is so much ahead of her, she carries the weight of not being able to comprehend on her eyelids. Yet, she cannot sleep. She would love to learn how to get through what she is going through without having to grit her teeth and blink back her tears. Maybe she will. Maybe. It never occurred to her that she might have to keep everything behind the walls of her bright expressive eyes, so she does not upset her loved ones. Her eyes tell more than she thinks they do. Her anger is not really anger. It is fear of what might happen later. Or soon even. She has always been scared of not being able to live life the way she wants to. She has to learn to face that. What about her feelings? Will they remain unexpressed? She does not really know. She realizes her eyelashes are wet again. Again. They are wet. And again, she brushes her fingertips against the glistening pearls and holds them before her eyes. She sighs. Tears of frustation they are. She shrugs her shoulders as if her worries would fall off and break into an uncountable number of unreparable pieces. But they do not. Not even for a while. She really is not as brave as she has believed she was. Not even close. It is strange. Some things are unpredictable. Another brush of fingertips under her eyes. Another string of thoughts. Another disappointment in the ways of the world. Another sigh. Another tear. Another shrug.

Ubiquitous

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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"When I jerk away from holding hands with you, I know these habits hurt important parts of you.."

J, it's STUCK IN MY HEAD! ARGH!

---

You know what would help? If people stopped staring for the wrong reasons. Don't stare at me because I'm walking with a friend. Don't stare at me because I'm wearing something you don't like. Don't stare at me because I'm having a good time cracking up with a friend. Don't stare at me because I have my eyebrow raised. Don't stare at me because you think boxers aren't ladylike. Don't stare at me because I have different beliefs. Don't stare at me because I have a different sense of wrong and right. Don't stare at me because I'm wearing worn out flip flops. Don't stare at me because my hair is a mess. Don't stare at me because my eye liner is smeared. Don't stare at me because I smile a lot. Don't stare at me because you expected me to look different. Don't stare at me because I didn't go to charm school. Don't stare at me because I sing in the shower. You know what really makes me laugh, though? When I ask you, you tell me sincerely thinking you have a good enough reason.. I'm not ready to compromise my lifestyle for you. Don't you think you're asking for a bit too much?:)

Ya na3em el3oud, ya seed elmela7..

Says who?

Red. I hit the brakes, and I look up. I lower the volume of my music. I reach for my mug of tea. I take a sip. All along, I have my eyes on the house being demolished right in front of my eyes. For the first time, I see a house being torn down. A huge machine with a claw is eating away at its walls and insides. I sit there, and I look. I've overslept. I might be late for class. I might not be able to finish my breakfast. I look like crap. I'm stressed. I'm forgetting to eat. I feel like I'm losing someone. There's too much going on. But.. This house shaking off dust takes my mind off everything. The dust flies into the air along with the many memories. A new house will be built in its place. That piece of land is starting over. It's shrugging off that beautiful but old house and awaiting a new beginning. And I thought to myself.. Should I shrug off my beautiful life and start fresh even if it means risking a not so beautiful aftermath? What should I shrug off myself? I should shrug off inconsiderate people. I should shrug off hurt. I should shrug off my fear of commitment. I should shrug off people's misplaced curiosity. I should shrug off so much... Green. I take my foot of the brakes. I wipe my tears. I smile at myself in the rearview mirror to see if my eyes give me away. Good. I like looking indifferent when there's a turmoil of emotions inside.

Google Reader

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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Heels are hot. Kisha w ke7el saye7 are hot ba3ad. Yeah, kaify. Anyways, so today is the day of my first Dramatics quiz. I've taken on a lot of characters before: the prince in Cinderella, Juliet from Romeo and Juliet, Juliet's nurse from Romeo and Juliet, a hairdresser, etc. So, I've done acting for a grade. It's fun. I'd rather act than sit down and take a test for a change.

So, for this monologue quiz, I decide to go for something from Macbeth mainly because I feel like doing a psychotic role. I haven't done one of those. I'm curious of how well I can pull it off. I submit the following two monologues:

LADY MACBETH 25 Out, damned spot! Out, I say!—One, two. Why, then, 'tis time to do 't. Hell is murky!—Fie, my lord, fie! A soldier, and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account?—Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him.

MACBETH: Is this a dagger which I see before me, The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee! I have thee not, and yet I see thee still. Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible To feeling as to sight? or art thou but A dagger of the mind, a false creation Proceeding from the heat-oppressèd brain? I see thee yet, in form as palpable As this which now I draw.

I wake up, and I decide to go for Lady Macbeth. I pick a long black dress with gold lining, put on heels, and take a towel off the rack in the guest bathroom. When the time comes, I volunteer to go (third person to act I think). I don't know how well I can pull it off. I shut everyone out. I made supposed eye-contact with people's foreheads instead of their eyes, and I wipe and curse the nonexistant blood.

Did I pull off the role of a psychotic woman? I don't know, but I enjoyed the class. People forgot lines and didn't show it. People forgot lines and showed it. People picked weird roles. A mother playing with her kids? Seriously? Oh, and I have to say, the number of people who did my-husband/wife/lover-cheated/dumped-on me/me was just too much. What happened to variety? Why would people enjoy such roles? I think they are boring.. One or two of those would have been enough!

Food Belghaseb

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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Did you hear that? If not, listen to him! Okay, his voice is amazing. It's so soothing! The song is heartbreaking, but his voice 3ajeeeb! Mu 6abe3i esmillah 3alaih! J, I'm addicted now;p

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Aghba phone conversation beldenya, lama you're talking about something and the person on the otehr end is talking about something else. Mu bas chethi, you're not really listening to each other 3shan you find out ena you're not exactly conversing. Ya3ni wa7ed yetkalam 3an music w elthani yetkalam 3an digestion. LAISH?!

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I'm proud of myself for surviving until now. J, I feel like I'm neglecting you. I'm sorry;*

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Happy Belated Birthday, T;p

Seven Deadly Sins

She lies on her back curling her messy unbrushed hair around her finger. She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. She sees herself waking up, getting dressed, and grabbing the car keys as she rushes out the door. She sits in the car in complete silence for two minutes, then she hits a button and allows the music to soothe her. She drives around aimlessly allowing her mind to wander. She doesn't want to lose that person. She doesn't want to disobey that other person. She doesn't want to be a commitment freak. She doesn't want to compromise her life for someone either. She doesn't want to give up on her hastily put together beliefs. She doesn't want her life plans to go wrong. She doesn't want to have a nervous breakdown. She doesn't want to feel uncomfortable in her own skin. She doesn't want a lot of things. She wants peace, serenity, and a revelation. She opens her eyes. She realizes that was yesterday. She takes another deep breath. She smiles. El7emdillah. She stares at the ceiling for a while just to clear her head. She curls another strand around her finger and puts her pencil between her teeth. Another deep breath. Her phone rings. She doesn't even take a look to see who it is. She flips over to lie on her tummy. She sees a book her friend has lent her. She takes the pencil out of her mouth and puts it next to the book. She hesitates. She picks it up and starts reading. All her worries fly out the window. She knows that the moment she shuts the book, they'll fly right back in. So, she keeps on reading until she falls asleep.

Crystal

After 10 minutes of catching up...

Say what? You thought I was the meanest person ever? Because I didn't smile? Right. What else? Oh, I dressed strangely? I had attitude? I still have attitude! Hehe, really? How did I talk? Yeah, I don't have that British accent anymore. I was careless? I ignored everyone and everything when I was reading? What's wrong with that? I still do that. Everyone was too curious anyway. She said I looked like who? Right, yeah, I remember that. He thought I looked like an Arabian princess. I know. I shrugged and walked away. I was young! You were 17! I was only 10! What else? Oh, right. South Park. Yeah, I had to deal with it. You came to the netball games. I absolutely hated the shorts/skirts. Oh, yeah! Remember her? She lived on Grubb St. We were staying at O'Hara's. I had to walk everywhere. It wasn't pelasant with the snow and all that. I can't believe we used to have popsicles in that weather. I miss those days. It's still and always will be like that. Everyone used to wonder about my hair. At least I used to brush it back then. It was loose most of the time. My mom used to make me tie it back on those days. Yeah, it's shorter now. Suits me more, but I'm growing it out... or planning to. Who would have thought we'd change that much? You know, glancing back three years later, I was surprised. But again, we were kind of the same. We still had popsicles in the winter. You know, it's been over eight years since the first time, and a little over five years since the second time. Hehe, yeah. You're still the same as you were back then. I didn't get lost! You guys ditched me. I knew the way out. I was looking for you. @$#*(!&^! I still have those! I sleep in them;p.. Yeah, they're a bit loose. I was fat back then, yeah? *Sigh* Frankenstein. I should go. You're just jealous he's still my favorite person in the whole wide world. Yeah, I will. Really? You're just all the way across the world? I know. Someday. I love you, too.

...Nothing like a walk through a road of memories with someone who makes you feel like what you always will be:)

Nonchalant

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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I don't beleive in hatred. I don't think it exists. Hate is too strong for someone to feel towards someone else. When people say "I hate", I think they are misusing the word. What they really mean is probably: I envy, I dislike, I'm confused by, I misunderstand, etc. They are using hate as a replacement for a word that they cannot find. Hate isn't the absence of love. It just doesn't make sense to me. It's nonexistent in my world. I might believe in it when I experience it, but until then, I won't believe in something that doesn't exist. I don't even understand what hate is. It confuses me;\

---

Blekh

Poshlusty Purple

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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I'm always wondering what you guys want to know about me.

Take a shot.

Only one question each.

Bright Red Things;\

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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Swair's tag: My quirky addiction was brought to mind by Kaileena:)

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Sou's post got me thinking about one favorite memory. I'm reading on the floor of a certain library with a steaming cup of coffee. The windows are open, and there is a cool breeze blowing through the whole room. My favorite person in the whole wide world is sitting at a desk on the other side of the room reading a different copy of the same book and drinking a different mug of the same coffee.

---

Cat also asked what the best thing and worst thing that happened to her readers would be.

Best thing: Learning that the best thing to do is be open and honest with my mother after keeping a lot from her and focusing on our differences instead of the things we have in common

Worst thing: Spending part of my summer vacation in an ugly state worrying about what to do if I lost someone I love dearly (Literature cured that phase completely)

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El7emdillah

PASTA!

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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I was just attacked by two strange women, but they were FAST! And it beat going to the salon in my state of mind. Now, T can't comment on certain girl issues that need to be taken care of regularly. I wish men would just understand that it's not easy being a woman! Argh!

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I'm still thinking about Swair's tag on quirky addictions and Sou's post on my best memory. Hmmm...

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D, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I love you to bits and pieces, and I had great fun at the outing. My parents were begging me to go (3ala bu ena stress relief), but I truly had a good time.

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HAJS met my Jam3a Buddies, and I'm so glad this finally happened;D

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I'm going to take a shower in a bit (therapy), and I'm hoping it's simply going to transform me from Queen B back to Amethyst because I want it to! Let's see how that goes...

WHAT?!

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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"I harbor your negativity" is one of my friends' nick. There really are people who harbor your negativity, and at times, they even get rid of it for you. It got me thinking about the people who do that for me. When I'm upset, confused, doubtful, or feeling negative, there are these people who I tend to go for. Whether I chat, call, or see them, they tend to make things better without really making things better. I just stop thinking about whatever it is that's bothering me, and when it eventually comes back to mind, my perspective will have changed because they changed my mood. Does that makes sense?

It does to me. I'm going through a very stressful phase. I have problems with friends. I have lots to do for school. I have too much to do on the social scale. My body is doing weird things. I just don't know how to relieve myself. Thankfully, I have people who make my negativity disappear. Some of them aren't even all that close. You know who you are. Thanks.

HAJS, Aj, and A, you've been great;*

---

I'm loving her music!

Parmesan

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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The whole room lights up when he walks in. I smile with every part of my body. I feel gratitude pushing to express itself through my eyes. I feel at ease. Despite all our ups and downs, he knows how to make me happy. He knows how to make me feel special in a subtle way. The many unspoken secrets we share bond us. I've never really had someone acknowledge and praise me for being the outcast in the family as much as he has. He admires my courage to speak up and say something that may shock whoever is listening. He allows me to express everything and anything I believe in, even if he doesn't believe in them himself. Things are always okay and right as long as they aren't wrong. What's right to me isn't always right to him, but we've learned to compromise. I know I haven't been able to spend time with him lately. It's been a mess. I know I'll regret this later, but I like learning the hard way.

I promise you things will be back the way they were once what I'm going through is over. I love you, Dad;*

Massage

You might as well chain your hands and legs and seal your lips. Don't talk about politics. You'll offend those who twist your words before they comprehend them. Don't talk about religion. You'll offend those who have different beliefs and narrow minds. Don't call your parents with their first names. You're immoral. Don't run after someone you admire. You're too daring. Don't stay quiet. You'll be asked what screwed up your day a gazillion times. Don't snap at people. You'll be accused of spreading negativity. Don't talk about your personal issues. You'll make people think you're too trusting. Don't advise anyone. You'll be hired as a therapist whether you like it or not. Don't smile too much. You're making people think you're flirty. Don't tell people to carry their toothbrush around. You're a clean freak. Don't you dare think a person is hot. You'd be a pervert. Don't raise your eyebrow. You're a bitch. Don't glance. You'd be staring. Don't breathe. You're existence is not welcome.

Don't judge me. Don't pretend you're okay with me when I'm around. Don't go bitching about me behind my back. You have better things to worry about. It's okay. I know you're tempted. So, I'll just give you my back.

Bekawz

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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Everything is white. The floors, walls, and ceilings. The white bed on your right. The sofa she is sitting on. You only have one picture of her. She does not have gray hairs in that picture, but she did not have pitch black straight hair like she does now. It's in a tight bun. Your hair is not as it is now. It is long, straight, and pitch black, like hers. It goes all the way down your back. You are both wearing white. She is wearing a sleeveless short white dress. You are wearing a long-sleeved flowing white one that trails on the floor behind you. You kneel on the floor and put your head in her lap face down. You cry and you cry and you cry. And she says: "La etkhafeen ya bnayty wala et7ateen. Ham ana el3yal athouni bas entay hadeti eli nazlatli mn elsema.." You look up, and you wake up.

Kismet

Okay. I have a gazillion missed calls;\.. I had music on, and my phone was on the charger beeping once every time someone calls, so it doesn't wake up those sleeping. I hate it when that happens, but ya3ni I like to think that I'm not attached to my phone;p

Anyway, I love doing the "Life is..." post! I get lots of points of view, and most of the time, I'm surprised. I'm making it a once in a while thing. It's so.. Poshlusty!

Now, it's time to complain. My dad is driving me nuts. I have a weird rash around 5 cm to the right of my belly button, and it's freaking me out. I don't like having the same dream over and over again without being able to figure out what it means. I'm disliking men with a burning passion these days. I'm stressed. There's just too much to do in so little time. School is taking too much of my day. Eight/nine to three/ three fifteen is just too much to handle. I want to shoot my Statistics prof in the head. I want to lose a few kilos. I want to wear white pants, but everyone is gasping after I say that out loud. I want five mugs of steaming hot brewed coffee without sugar, but I can't have that. I'm not spending a lot of time with my family. I sit with them with either a laptop/book in my lap, and that's not really spending time with them. My mom is forcing me to eat, and it's not funny. I don't like running around in an oversized t shirt. I never close the door to my room unless I'm changing, so it would be nice if people stopped barging in. Really.

Pinkyea

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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I've done this before. You can't repeat your answer if you commented on the previous similar post.

Finish this sentence:

Life is...

Everything

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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[Click on the image to enlarge] This interview struck me as a must-read. What do you think?

Not Untitled

My friend e-mailed me this article a while ago. I read it more than once, but I still have a gazillion questions. One step closer to unsolving the mystery that is called men.

---

I don't like going to lunches with set tables. You know? When there is no buffet, the food is on the table, and everyone sits around it. So, if you're lucky, you'll end up sitting next to someone you like. If not, well then it's just awful to have someone you dislike striking up conversation while you eat. It's too annoying/revolting/frustrating.

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Dear X,

We live in different worlds. My reality is different than yours. It's OKAY for people to have different backgrounds and become friends. It's OKAY for people to have different opinions and share them. It's OKAY for people to push their differences aside and just get along. I'm sorry you feel that it's not okay. I pity you.

Shalfoo7

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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It seems like everyone is trying to find the smell of coffee on me. It's annoying. I mean I'm trying to quit, and people expecting that I'm not going to get there is pissing me off. I stopped coffee twice before, but that obviously didn't last. This time I'm determined.

7Q says that switching to tea would help. So, here I am, with a mug of tea around 3-4 times a day, imagining it's coffee. It's not helping. I'm a dead fish in the morning. Wait, no! I'm a dead witch fish in the morning. Whatever, you get the point. I'm bitchy because my coffee is gone, and it's just not okay.

However, I am going to keep trying because I do not want to disappoint those ecstatic over this progress (especially mom, Aj, and A). FYI, people who are constantly down my throat about ditching coffee: I'm trying to lose weight, and it's not easy without coffee *cries*!!! If you have said any of the following, or anything similar to the following:

"You smell like coffee!"

"Why are you eating lemon drops? You don't want your coffee breath to be detected?"

"Want to go grab some coffee?"

"There's this new coffee machine..."

DO NOT SAY IT AGAIN!

Talool

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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Almost all of the professors I have had are good people. They are professional and kind-hearted. They repeat when you do not understand. They give you the chance to freely express your opinion and discuss. From the English Department, I have not come across one professor that has upset me. I strongly admire most. BUT professors from other departments have caused me extreme mental pain once in a while. For example, I had a lecturer who would not answer students who did not speak in fu97a (Arabic)!

This semester, I am (along with many) his unfortunate student. Since his class is in Arabic, I have to make an extra effort in everything. And I try. Really. So, I walk in one minute late the class before last, and I don't know, I felt it would be polite to apologize (I usually do, I didn't know any better): "Sorry, I'm late."... What do you think he replied? "A3melek aih?" Uuuuhh, I didn't ask you for anything! I'm simply apologizing! Goodness! La w he marked me down as absent;\

Last class, he just.. evolved into an epitome of rudeness! While calling names out for attendance, he yells at me to speak up, and I'm LOUD, people! Those of you who know me already know that;p He doesn't allow us to write while he lectures (how High School is that?), so he fills the board, explains, and then allows us to write. If anyone is holding a pen during his explanation, they get yelled at! Anyways, so he gives us two minutes or so (not enough time) to copy what's on the board. He walks over to erase, and this happens:

Girl: Dr. la ma khalasna! (Prof, we're not done yet!)

Him: Allah yhed 7ailek! (May God exhaust your strength!)

*insert shocked faces and laughter*

10 seconds later

Him: Khelesto? (Done?)

Girl: La! (No!)

Him: La2a b3ainek! (No in your eye; it's an Arabic thing, and it's insolent;\)

*insert more shocked faces and laughter*

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Randomly: I miss one of my friends wayed;\

Tigger Band-Aid

Depression GONE!

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Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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ANNOUNCEMENT: I MET SULAYMAN ALBASSAM TODAY! I WAS ALSO COMPLIMENTED BY HIM;D

PS. He's hot for an "older" man;p

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Today at school, there was a seminar by African American author, poet and professor Brenda Flanagan. Yes, be jealous! First Sulayman AlBassam and now this amazing woman! So, she honored us with a talk in the occasion of Women's History Month and International Women's Day.

Flanagan told us stories about "women who wanted to become more than what they are forced to become"; for example, Claudette Colvin, Rosa Parks, and the first Muslim woman to express her beliefs in Flanagan's village. References to writers and poets who are the embodiment of her previous quote were also made: Nikki Giovanni, Sonia Sanchez, and Toni Morrison.

As this author, poet, and professor has moved to America from Trinidad, she spoke to us about her visits to slave castles in Ghana. She expresses her sorrow about the emotionless guide telling the story of 200-300 slaves who were cramped in the room they were standing in who were later sent to work on sugar plantations. She later visits Elmira, where she "felt a hand pushing [her] out of that place." She staggered and linked this feeling to a subconcious realization that someone of her bloodline had passed there before. She argues against the demolition of these slave castles as they are standing proof of "man's inhumanity to man."

Between stories, Flanagan eased our hearing by singing lines sung by slaves "to create solace in their bones": "Swing low sweet charriot, coming to take me home..."

She emphasized that the best contribution a woman can make is to bring up good men and women who will be of use to the world. This belief brought back the memory of her mother, who has fourteen children, welcoming guests into their house, feeding them, and giving them a bed to sleep in. This means that some of the fourteen children have to give up part of their meal and their bed. The children used to argue with their mother expressing frustration at her welcoming of strangers while they were poor. Their mother reminded them that they were fourteen, and she hoped that they would all be helped in return for this favor they all participated in.

Proudly, Brenda Flanagan overcame many obstacles thrown into her path. As she puts it, she lived "a life above ground and a life below ground."

To conclude her amazing lecture, she captivatingly performed Maya Angelou's "Phenomenal Woman" and "And Still I Rise" during which she made us women smile knowingly. She made the men stand at: "The fellows stand" and the women repeat the following lines:

"I'm a woman

Phenomenally

Phenomenal woman

That's me. "

Then, she made the men go "Aaaah!" How great is she? That was my favorite part!;p

She's equally nice off the podium. I asked her if I could hug her before I left for class, and she said, "Of course!" We also took pictures with her. Ya7lailha, she should be proud of herself:)

Low Battery

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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In my head, there is an image of a line of straight men waiting their turn to be spit on by myself.

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Men vs. Women? Check THIS out;p

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She's just too cute;*



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Does anyone have a recipe to undepress yourself? I've tried eating depression food, dancing, being busy, and pouring my heart out. Any other suggestions?

Hmmm?

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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I'm feeling a lot better. The previous post is the product of extreme frustration on several issues. Sou's tag:




1. What were you doing at 7am this morning?
Sleeping soundly *sigh*

2. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Reading The Stone Diaries while having breakfast

3. What will you be doing 3 hours from now?
I don't know! Maybe read some more? Or get ready for a HAJS yam3a?

4. What is the last thing you said aloud?
“Baba, ez3aj! Have you heard our dear neighbours' dog?!”

5. What is the best ice cream flavor?
Chocolate [PERIOD]

6. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Coffee;$

7. What are you wearing right now?
Navy cotton shorts, green polo shirt

8. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
No

9. What’s the last sporting event you watched?
I can't even remember;p

10. Do you have a tan?
No, I don't get along with tans.

11. Do you drink your soda from a straw?
Yes, if I have lipstick/gloss on because otherwise I'd leave marks and madry.. blekh;\

12. Are you someones best friend?
Yes, and it's nice to know for sure.

13. Last person you talked to on the phone?
Aj

14. Have you met anyone famous?
Yes!

15. Last song you listened to?
How To Save a Life - The Fray

16. Are you jealous of anyone?
Hmm.. Not really.. Embala, I am! I'm jealous of babies;p

17. Is anyone jealous of you?
I don't know. They should be because I'm perfect;p

18. Do you eat healthy?
I try. I still do coffee (down to 2-4 mugs a day), and I eat fast food when there isn't real food (around once every two weeks).

19. Do you hate anyone right now?
No, but I pity many.